More than a River in Egypt

Just like most folks throughout eternity, there is a lot going on in my head and in my life right now. For whatever reason, this time feels different. It’s not because I’m almost 30. It’s not because I’m married now. I’m actually seriously excited about both of those facts. Instead, what seems to be happening feels more like how my body felt after having my hip replaced. The disorienting sensation of having something fixed, only to realize that pain was your comfort zone.

This same thing seems to be happening all around me now that I have admitted to myself how badly I want to tell stories for a living. This simple admission has rippled through the fabric of my life and exposed just how much of my identity was centered on pain and denial. Acupuncture theory states that “the physical world is the manifestation of the subconscious” and maybe they are right about that; for, now that I have begun to admit new truths to myself, my entire reality is changing.

I used to motivate myself with thoughts like “you need to learn law, or science because with no earth there will be no place to do art!” and “I want to be the kind of guy who makes all the money to fund the artists, not just yet another couch surfing vagabond like the people I love.” Sure, my motivation to save the planet still burns like the fire of a thousand suns, however, I had to admit that forcing myself into the wrong lifestyle to accomplish that goal would only result in more suffering. I know others have worked themselves into similar mind traps, so, consider the following red flags I can now see with my "20/20 hindsight".

For a number of years, I was a full academic. Published in medical journals, working in community health, the whole shebang. For a number of other years, I put on community events in parks for free to the local community. More great stuff, am I right? I am super proud of those years and part of me wants to keep doing this kind of work. But every job I have ever had I have gotten in trouble for being too chatty. You know what I was chatting about each citation? Story. Stories about me, stories about my family, reasons I LOVED this writer, or that series. All the while, the people actually trying to finish their statistics were entertained, but really wanted to get back to their work. I always did a fantastic job in the end, so they kept me around. But every day someone would say “are you a fictional character?” or “you really come alive when you talk about that.” Or “Have you written any books I can read?” I knew how to get along with people, but all that did was make it harder to realize I was being this guy.

I was in the wrong flock, even though I was the right color.

Looking back now I’ve noticed two kinds of thoughts patterns that came up again and again in my mind on my depressed days, and they don’t seem too healthy in the long run.

Thought pattern #1

- Trigger: Highly successful people in just about any field.

- Thought Chain: “Ugh, those people are too much and their work is way over the top. They only go so hard because of their ego or a bigger paycheck. It’s just a game to them.”

Thought pattern #2

- Trigger: Rising Stars in ANY FIELD

- Though Chain: “Man I wish I had found a passion so early, then I’d be as successful and energized as they are.” Or “F#ck that new singer/artist, I am way better than them and if it weren’t for (insert random excuse) I would be on NPR instead.”

See what I mean? Pretty cringe worthy regardless of the good I was doing at my old jobs. These thoughts ate away at my own self-worth and work ethic throughout my 20s and I thought that was totally normal. Maybe it is.

I can’t tell you when the change happened, but somewhere around when I made this blog, and started sharing my writing with my friends again that all of those thought patterns vanished. Now when I see a young successful author, singer, artist; I am filled with excitement for their success! I see it as a reminder that the world still has need, and room, for such things, even when (especially when) it’s on fire.

A few days ago, a friend from high school posted a quote of their own that read “Self-love is one of the most important factors in learning not to judge others.” And it all just clicked. That was why I was so toxic about success, whether my own or that of others. I had learned to love denial of self, not love of self. The former was so cloaked in good intentions that the self-harm had become invisible. So, when I saw others that had learned to not only self-love, but also gained the courage to share it, I was bitter because they were reflecting something I had been denying all my life.

I write this mostly because I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the new road I see stretching before me and I wanted to process a bit. But I also want to let others out there know that even the most selfless of goals can become toxic if you do not take the time to get to know yourself. Low and behold, now that I am stepping away, I find scores of people who can solve environmental/community problems like I never could, and I have no problem admitting that anymore. Maybe I was holding back someone else from their dream job by being in the wrong place, just like I was holding myself back in the same way. Do you have thoughts like the ones I mentioned above? If so, explore them. Maybe you're so riled up because there is something in yourself you have been denying for a long time.